- Feptembust 203849th, 2384839290 — Scratch Dog is Missing
- Quoting a member of the Scratch Team,, "He was our bestest of friends, and he helped us make the energy unit machine, I hope he isn't gone forever." According to Kaj, “Scratch Dog was one of the best members of the team, and even helped develop it" If you see Scratch Dog, please contact the Scratch Team; the finder will be rewarded 500 energy points. Thank you.
- February 14th, 45325 — Scratch Homework added
Scratch Kaj has now added homework to the website. If you do not give us Kaj 50,000 energy units in one week, you will be BANNED
- February 30th, 4321 — Sixty Second Rule Abolished
- The sixty-second rule has been abolished, an update to the forums many Scratchers have been waiting for up to 100 years. To celebrate, the Scratch Team have taken the 120 second rule down to only 12 seconds. To ensure that the
small large group of Scratchers who appreciated the rule do not miss it, a new rule has been added in, the infinity second rule, which will be removed in approximately infinity years. The latter only applies to Scratchers. Wait, why did I type this all out?
- March 32, 2016 — The Internet will be closed on Fridays
- Effective immediately, the Wiki, along with the rest of the Internet, will now be closed on Fridays because everyone in the world will be too busy eating waffles to even turn on their computers. It will still be open 24/6. We understand that this will prevent you from showing people your 1,000 contribs at upcoming Friday school dances. Those dances are supposed to end the world, anyway, and the logo has invisible strawberry straps, which are banned at the dance end of world thing. We apologize for the inconvenience.
- March 32, 2017 — Kaj as Scratch Curator
- Kaj has been chosen as the
five-trillion-five-hundred-sixty-nine-billion-four-hundred-thirty-seven... 5,569,437,108,142th curator on the Front Page. Feel free to congratulate Kaj on their profile!
- April -4, 4683 — Removed Popular User Griffpatch
- The user by the name of Griffpatch has been removed for treason as stated by article C-1783 of The Scratch Laws and codes. Please feel free to hate on him as much as possible.
- March 31, 2019 — Two Scratch Servers Removed
- Prior to retiring, the Scratch Team wanted to leave a good ego by conserving electricity. To do so, they completely unplugged two of their servers. To assure that no one ever plugs them in again for environmental reasons, they dumped them into the Atlantic Ocean and
killed millions of poor whales Err....
- March 31, 2020 — Glitched Launches Windows 20
- Glitched has been making unique games that have been changing the world forever. His Scratch Windows 20 project has changed the world for good and has been making this for 99999 years. Now, all Windows 10 software has been replaced with Scratch Windows 20 and can be modified to do anything in the universe.
- December 99, 20XX — New Cutie Honey video game
- Griffpatch has released his long-awaited sequel to ScratchNapped: "Cutie Honey and the Kidnapper of the 78th Century." In that game, Cutie Honey must work to destroy the forces of Scratch by depriving them of their energy units. Why the Scratch Team allowed this game, I don't know. Who is Cutie Honey, anyway?!
- March 32, 2089 — Scratch Team Retired
- The Scratch Team has retired and given the duty of continuing the program's development to Kaj.
- March 28, 2095 — Traces of Scratch Creator
- Scientists in Antarctica have found strange footprints and think they are the creator of Scratch's. He fled to Antarctica years ago and is now unheard of.
- March 3000, 9999 — Scratch Application Released
- The long-desired Scratch app was finally released. The app features a colorful blue link to the main website, acting as a shortcut for mobile browsers.