|This is an April Fools' Day version of How are users reported?. Please don't take it seriously. You can find the original here.|
You don't, end of story.
If you even try to click that little report button, you will find that it actually doesn't work. Even if it might look like you are reporting a comment or a user or something, you are really reporting yourself for attempting to keep the site friendly to all users in the community.
Remember to follow the Community Guidelines, folks.
Note: Scratch cat hacks accounts who are reported